The Growth of Discontent
Their story is not uncommon: a young couple soon to be married confronts the pain caused by misunderstandings and unmet expectations in their relationship. Their situation is by no means unique, and it is a blessing when these issues arise before they commit to each other for life. Often, as passion fades away and reality starts biting, a growing sense of discontent will appear in couples, which can eventually lead to the relationship failing or evolving into a partnership of convenience. In either case, love dissipates.
Although every situation is different, there are patterns which everyone can recognize. These patterns are the precursors of a relationship’s failure. The wisdom of Kabbalah can help identify these patterns and offer remedies.
Each Spouse Uses the Other for His or Her Own Purposes
At the core of every relationship, each partner expects to receive some benefit from the arrangement. This is simply human nature. Women often expect to gain an intimate companion, a best friend who will listen to all the details of their lives. Men tend to expect their woman to make them feel great about themselves and their achievements, no matter what they do. When these expectations are not met, discontent follows. This probably sounds familiar to many.
Expectations such as these may sound minor compared to the countless challenges that confront any couple, but they are usually at the core of most problems. When you expect the other person to make you feel good, the other person is relegated to the status of an instrument. When expectations are not met, arguments of growing intensity can follow. The sad part is that probably neither person recognizes the true source of the conflict.
The Source of Unhappiness
Kabbalist sages tell us that unhappiness is always the result of our inability to fulfill our desires. Most of us are unable to fulfill our own desires, so how can someone else possibly fulfill them for us? Expecting someone else to make us happy is always unrealistic. This is why we have such a high rate of divorce today.
Kabbalists explain that the main problem is not our inability to fulfill our desires – it is the way we desire in the first place. It is our nature to want to receive pleasure for ourselves. Even in a good relationship where partners help and support each other, this is done because it makes them feel good to do so. When even this minimal level of giving is absent, the relationship is doomed to fail.
Kabbalists explain that there is another choice, however. By using the methodology of Kabbalah, we can learn to truly give. In order to do this, we have to transform our nature so that we are more concerned about the other person than we are about ourselves. We are no longer concerned about whether they can make us happy, but instead care about whether we can make them happy.
This may sound simple, but it is virtually impossible to accomplish. When both partners are sincerely trying, however, something incredible happens. This fundamental shift in perspective is all that is needed to unlock the gates to immense love, unspeakable joy and happiness. It’s all there for us to see.
Related Material on Why Relationships Fail:
* Love, Deciphered - Discovering true love is the solution for solving every relationship.
* Kabbalah on Love, Marriage and Family - Rav Michael Laitman, PhD discusses love, marriage, relationships and family in a talk with Kabbalah Academy instructors.
* Video: Why Can't We Get Along? - All relationships will fail while we remain in our egos.
* Take a Free Kabbalah Course to learn more about Kabbalah. Begins Sept. 3, 2008.
Mark Zimmerman - Mark Zimmerman is a student of Dr. Michael Laitman and English content editor for the Ashlag Research Institute and the Bnei Baruch ...
